Choosing to start a family is an exciting, nerve-wracking time in life. It’s something you think about, talk about, are asked about, and dream about since the day of your wedding (and for me, long before). However, choosing to open up about the struggle we’ve had to actually start our family is even more nerve-wracking. I’ve gone back and forth on my decision of whether to write a post about our struggle with infertility or not, how much I should share or shouldn’t share, or if anyone would even care to hear about our struggle. However, the few people that I have shared this with encouraged me to share our story, and so here we are! Now that I’ve decided to write about this, I’ve had a hard time even knowing where to begin. Infertility is something many deal with and most choose to keep private. It is an inward battle of questioning yourself, it increases tension with your spouse, and it takes you on an emotional roller coaster month by month. But let me start with this: this post won’t be a long sob story about how many tears I have cried, or about how I’ve struggled with jealousy, anger, and all kinds of bitter feelings towards those that have an easy time getting pregnant. Instead, this will give a little glimpse into what the last couple of months have held for us, the “stages” of our infertility, and how we are learning to choose joy during this time and trust in a gracious God who knows the desires of our heart.
Flash back to November, 2016… so about 16 months ago. We were sitting around with some of our friends during Thanksgiving break, all newlyweds, talking about becoming parents. Scary it seemed at the time, the thought of actually having a baby. Life would change so much, we wouldn’t be able to sleep in anymore, and financially a child would be a lot to take on. The boys all joked about wanting to “make a baby”, and the girls all laughed knowing they probably weren’t quite ready to be dads just yet. But jokes aside, deep down this is where it began for me. That feeling in my heart of knowing I wanted to be a mommy, but being unsure of if I was ready. Would I ever feel ready? Do people actually ever feel ready? But after discussing this later that night with my husband, Cory, we decided to pull the plug on birth control. And thus – the “not preventing” stage began. This is a weird stage to be in because you’re not necessarily expecting to get pregnant right away, but you’re not necessarily NOT expecting to get pregnant. Obviously, this “not preventing” thing didn’t work for us… so I’ll move along.
This stage is a weird one because it is truly a secret between you and your spouse. You don’t want to proclaim to the world that you’re trying to get pregnant because you want it to be a surprise when it DOES happen… so you still kinda act like you’re not actually trying. This stage is also weird because you think now that you’re really trying, it will happen quickly. And let me just say, it only takes ONE negative pregnancy test for satan to start messing with your brain. As this stage progresses, you realize many people around you have been able to easily get pregnant in this amount of time – and even though you’re doing all you can to make it happen, it’s just not. I hadn’t opened up about our struggle to anyone yet and was actually still denying that we were even trying when people would ask, which all stemmed from this inner realization that this wasn’t going to be super easy for us. This led to really, REALLY trying, like really really trying (I think you get the picture), and this is where the emotion started taking a toll on me. I spent many days in the bathroom at school crying as months went on with negative pregnancy tests, while pregnancy announcements seemed to be being made on every social media source I opened. But I knew that I COULDN’T let doubt and fear take a hold of my heart. The bible says clearly in 2 Timothy 1:7 & 1 John 4:18 “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I have God’s perfect love and that perfect love casts out fear”. I knew that I could NOT live in the rejection I was feeling each month but needed to walk in faith. I ordered a blanket that beautifully reads the words of 1 Samuel 1:27, “I prayed for this child”, and spent (and am still spending) many nights on my knees praying. That blanket holds many tears and even more prayers, and I am confident will one day hold the baby my heart so desires.
At that point of our journey, I knew another step in this process needed to be taken. So I’ll continue…
Fast forward to December of 2017, and after ovulation tests, wearing an Ava bracelet (a post about this awesome bracelet is coming), and doing everything we could to make sure we were trying to conceive at the RIGHT time and yet nothing was happening, we realized we might need to go get some things checked out. I still struggled with opening up to people about this because I didn’t want anyone thinking I was over-reacting, but deep down in my heart I had this feeling that something was wrong. Have you ever had a time in your life that God gave you discernment over something? Like you felt Him telling you to trust your instinct and listen to the whisper in your ear? Maybe He even uses a friend to push you in the direction you feel like you’re being led. Luckily, I had that wise friend (whom had also struggled with infertility) that pushed me to trust my instinct and go see a fertility specialist. And so we did.
We met our wonderful fertility specialist, Dr. Jason Griffith of Houston Fertility Institute, in December and he quickly became our new best friend. In January I had hysteroscopy tubal cath surgery in which they put me to sleep and went in by catheter to see if there was any obstruction in my uterus. When I woke up, Dr. Griffith informed me that they had found a polyp on my uterus which was scraped off (and found to be benign). At first we were very excited because we thought this might have been the main issue causing our infertility. However, since that surgery and after having many other tests done, we were shocked to have recently received some results about Cory’s testing that led to a diagnosis of most likely being unable to conceive on our own. I am choosing to keep the details private publicly in respect of Cory, but if you have any questions or have struggled with similar news then of course feel free to reach out to me personally. At first I was shocked and very upset. This all came at a time that everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant and it was so easy for them. Why did it have to be so hard for us? But in this moment God stepped in, ridded that bitterness in my heart that was clearly NOT from Him, and since this point I have felt an immense amount of hope instead of hopelessness in the situation.
One of the books that was recommended to me by a sweet friend who also struggled with infertility was Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. What this book taught me was the power of PRAYER and choosing to live in FAITH instead of fear. In the earlier stages of our struggle I let fear consume me. Fear that I would never ever see a positive pregnancy test, fear that I wasn’t going to be able to have a baby, fear as every month passed by with a failed attempt to conceive that something was wrong with us, and fear over, honestly, everything. But satan can take ahold of that fear and consume your every thought with it, and at the time – he did. Since reading that book and being reminded of the importance and power of FAITH, I have started praying over the things that I KNOW are true. As the book says, “even if you can’t out think the devil, you can out talk him by saying What God says”. I KNOW that He knows the desires of my heart to be a mommy and the desire of Cory’s heart to be a daddy (Psalm 37:4). I KNOW that His plans and timing are perfect (Jeremiah 29:11), whether I understand them right now or not. I KNOW that He is good and His promises for me are real and WILL HAPPEN according to His will (1 John 5:14)! And in that faith, I know that this will happen for us through whichever way He chooses to use… one day.
While all this has been happening, Cory and I have also been taking part in a small group called Re-Engage at our church, The Woodlands United Methodist. He and I both agree that this small group of other couples who have prayed over us and been there for us in the midst of our struggle has had a HUGE impact on not only our own hearts, but our marriage. Infertility can begin to have a very negative impact on your marriage. Stress, anger, and intense emotion, in addition to the normal marriage struggles we all face, took ahold of our marriage and our lives. If I’m being honest, I didn’t know if I could do it much longer. But I truly feel like the Lord has used this time of infertility in our marriage for such GOOD, and it has brought us so much closer to Him and to each other. I have seen Cory grow in his faith in HUGE ways over the past couple of months, more than I ever knew was possible in such a short time, and I know that his growth will only continue to strengthen our marriage and his role as a daddy one day. And of course, the same goes for me. I never would have imagined that infertility would be a part of our marriage, my life story, and my testimony. But, I am SO grateful for a FAITHFUL savior who I am confident is looking down on me with a smile on His face, leading me with His strong and mighty hand into the journey of being parents that is ahead of us. I don’t know when that will be, but I know it will happen. And THAT brings us immense JOY.
Katherine
You and Cory are surrounded by God’s perfect provisions for you! Trust in His wisdom.
He alone is the creator of life. We are the vessels.
Loving you both so much
You are so brave for sharing your story. I’m in awe of your faith! Sending prayers your way this morning.
Thank you for sharing your journey and bringing awareness to this struggle many couples go through 💕 sending prayers your way .
Thank you for posting. Dr. Jason Griffith is the reason why my husband and I are proud parents to our son, who just turned two. I had multiple surgeries, many tears, and ultimately have the greatest gift because of that hard, emotional journey.
Let go, let GOD! He will make his happen in his timing, so be patient and keep the faith. Many prayers for you and yours.
I am praying for you, my dear!! More people than you know will be positively impacted by your story! Xoxo
Thank you for sharing. That”s pretty special.custom writing
It was a joy meeting you! I know you also got to meet my sweet baby… so, after reading your heart-felt story, let me share… I lost 2 pregnancies before her and had 2 years of tears and confusion, etc. I still get told “Wow! …the age difference.” People just don’t know, so I try to just smile and nod.
My heart goes out to you and prayers for the future you are dreaming of as a mommy.